deck the halls with salmonella

 it's starting to get obscenely cold here in providence, and what with the stress of the holidays, and lack of anything better to do, it seemed like the perfect time to get started on a delicious batch of eggnog. what better way to deal with the chill and holiday blues than indulging in 3 different liquors mixed with heavy cream and sugar (and disease free egg yolks)??! 

besides, it's so painfully easy to mix up a batch, it's a wonder I don't have a constant cycle of nog filled growlers waiting in the back of my fridge... and so it goes.

check out the directions below if you want to dance with danger and drink a bunch of really old, raw eggs. i know i do.

all the necessary, delicious, boozy nog ingredients

 This is what you'll need:

12 eggs 

2 cups sugar

1 1/2 cups heavy cream

4 cups whole milk

4 1/2 cups whiskey 

1 cup dark rum

1 cup brandy

pinch o' salt

*This will make about 3/4 a gallon, so you'll need something to age the nog in. I picked up a couple of gallon growlers at a brewing supply store for around $4. They're great, and I feel fancy having that much booze waiting for me in the fridge*

making a mess, a delicious mess

  step 1: 

separate the eggs, either tossing the yolk back and forth in the shell halves, or use this crazy fool's method* (be warned, holding a raw yolk in your hand is mildly disturbing and yucky feeling)

. keep the yolks, and do whatever you want with the whites, just keep 'em away from the nog.

*be sure to wash your hands, or else you might end up with toilet paper failure in your nog... eeew.*

12 hopefully salmonella free egg yolks

step 2:

add the 2 cups of sugar and the pinch of salt to the yolks and whisk or beat the mixture until it becomes smooth and creamy, about 3 minutes with an electric mixer.

sugar sugar

  

the eggs and sugar will look gross and lumpy at first, but keep mixing and it'll even out and become silky smooth.

creaming the eggs and sugar

 step 3:

move the egg + sugar mixture into a bigger bowl, or if you're smarter than i am, you'll start with a larger bowl from the get go. 

next, add 1 1/2 cups of heavy cream and 4 cups of whole milk to the eggs, whisking constantly. stir for a couple minutes until you can no longer feel the sugar grit at the bottom of bowl. make sure everything is thoroughly incorporated; no one likes a lumpy nog. 

milk + eggs

step 4:

the best part! slowly add the whiskey, the dark rum, and the brandy. stir for a couple minutes until everything is good and mixed.  

milk + eggs + booze!

  step 5:

pour the nog into your aging container using, hopefully, a funnel and not a sawed off milk carton. but hey, ya gotta work with what ya got. 

improvising

step 6:

ok. everything is good an mixed and bottled up, and now it's time to shove it in the back of your refrigerator and forget about it for about 3 weeks (you can let it age up to 1 year if you're really brave). don't forget to date it and swirl it around every once in a while. keep those flavors mixing, and don't give the salmonella a leg to stand on!

let the aging begin. see you soon, old friend.

3 weeks - 1 year later:

it's (finally, geez) time to enjoy your eggnog! You can drink it straight if you really feel like it, but it's tradition to whip together 10-12 egg whites and 1 1/2 cups heavy cream into gentle peaks, and then fold into the ready and waiting nog. garnish with some nutmeg. plus, you now have 10-12 egg yolks to use at your leisure, for a fresh batch of eggnog, perhaps?

enjoy!